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AUTO EROTICA
How these three cars compare to your all-time favorite screen goddesses, and we're not talking the mainstream cinema here
by MIGUEL SANTIAGO
Being a teenager in the eighties was pretty hard. The internet hadn’t been invented, so porn was hard to come by. Still, I had my own TV, a VCR, and a membership at the video rental store, and whenever a movie starring porn actress Seka became available, I’d be the first to rent it. Many nights were spent watching tapes of Swedish Erotica, a popular adult series at the time - but that’s TMI (too much information), as my editor would say.
Nowadays, I drool over another kind of Swede. She’s got curves in all the right places and is so drop-dead gorgeous she stops traffic wherever she goes. And boy, it sure is lots of fun to ride her.
Before my editor starts yelling “TMI” in my ear, let me clarify things. I’m talking about the newest beauty in town, the Volvo XC60 D5, a crossover vehicle that combines the elegance of a sedan with the ruggedness and versatility of a sport-utility vehicle (SUV). Unlike the boxy Volvos of Seka’s time however, the latest Volvos are as beautiful and curvaceous as any actress worth drooling over.
The Volvo XC60 D5 can seat one driver and up to five passengers. The XC60’s interiors probably have everything you need: premium multi-speaker audio system complete with subwoofer, in-dash CD player, USB port, a jack for your iPod, cup holders, vanity mirrors, auto-dim rear-view mirrors, dual-zone climate control, reading lamps, and a trip computer. It also comes loaded with leather: leather power-adjustable driver and passenger seats, leather-wrapped steering wheel and a leather-wrapped shift knob.
The XC60 D5 is powered by a 2.4-liter five-cylinder turbocharged diesel engine with 185 horsepower and a massive 400 Newton-meters of torque. In laymen’s terms, that translates to a really hard shove in the back during frantic acceleration. Top speed? The XC60 D5’s 200 km/h top speed will grab you by the balls hard, fast and furious. That’s as swift as most sport sedans, and take note people, this is an SUV - and a diesel at that.
Volvo being a leader in automotive safety, the XC60 D5 comes with plenty of safety features. Anti-locking brakes are standard, with Hydraulic Brake Assist (HBA) ensuring short stopping distances. The car’s Dynamic Stability and Traction Control (DSTC) helps counteract potential skids while the dual-stage airbags, inflatable side curtains, Side Impact Protection System (SIPS), Roll-over Protection System (ROPS) and Whiplash Protection System (WHIPS) protect the driver and passengers in a collision or rollover.
Besides all these, the XC60 D5 also has what Volvo calls the City Safety system. At speeds of up to 30 km/h, the system monitors vehicles six to eight meters in front, and senses if it is moving slower or standing still. If a collision is imminent, the computer pre-charges the brakes to act faster on the driver’s response. If the driver does not brake at all, the City Safety system automatically applies the brakes. It should come in handy while ogling sexy girls or getting a bit of nookie during heavy traffic. How’s that for a safety feature?
Going back to the XC60-Seka comparison, the XC60 looks as fantastic as Seka in all her glory. From the front, the bi-xenon headlamps have a seductive, droopy-lidded appearance, as sultry as any “come-hither” look from Seka’s eyes. The car’s low-slung nose and 17-inch alloy wheels shod with 65-series tires give it an aggressive stance, ready to take on any terrain just the way Seka can take on all comers. The wide-body configuration gives the XC60 a rear profile that’s as lovely to look at as Seka’s.
All in all, the XC60 gives you the best of all worlds, just like Seka. She’s classy and elegant, but not too prim that she’s afraid to get down, dirty and rough. She’s fast enough to run with the big boys and hold her own. She looks good with a guy. She looks good with a girl. Heck, she’s…hold on…which Swede are we talking about? Let’s just put it this way: If Seka was a car, she’d be the XC60 D5.
and then some…
That said, it’s time to take a reality check. Seka’s tucked away somewhere, far from our reach, and unless you’ve got an extra three-point-three mil to burn, an XC60 D5 sitting in your garage will remain just a dream.
A trip to the KIA dealership should solve most Pinoys’ mobility problems. The Rio, KIA’s sub-compact model, is a testament to the adage “big things come in small packages.” The car is so good it was voted 2007 Executive Sub-Compact Car of the Year by the Car Awards Group, Inc. Put the Rio side-by-side with porn star Taylor Rain and you’ll see what I mean. Both are small, yet capable of so many good things.
Relatively inexpensive, the Rio offers most of what you need in a car. The cabin is quite spacious, with enough room for three or four passengers; of course, the driver is already a given. For motive force, the Rio is powered by a 1.4 liter 16-valve double overhead cam (DOHC) engine coupled to either a manual or automatic transmission. The small engine is powerful enough for a lively sprint; put a driver with above-average driving skills behind the wheel and it can hold its own with the big boys.
You’ll be pleasantly surprised with what you’ll find in the KIA Rio. There is no “cheap car, cheap plastic” feel to the Rio’s interiors. In my opinion, the Rio’s dashboard looks much nicer than the dashboard of a relatively new SUV from another car brand. Inside the Rio, you’ll find things like two-tone seats, seat belts, power steering, power windows, central locking system, AM/FM/CD/mp3 player and of course, air-conditioning. Granted, the Rio’s interiors can’t compete with the luxurious trimmings of most European marques, but you’ll find you have everything you need for a comfortable drive, and more, inside the new Rio. In the same way, while Taylor Rain doesn’t have that high-maintenance Aria Giovanni-ish look about her, you’ll find that she’s more woman that you can ever handle on your own.
Exterior-wise, the Rio looks good too, with its profile looking like it came out of one of Italy’s automobile design houses. All it needs is a set of lowering springs, 16-inch alloy wheels and low-profile tires to make it look even better.
Still, most guys are on the lookout for a complete package, which brings us to the Mitsubishi Lancer EX GT-A. The latest Lancer is the automotive world’s answer to adult-film icon Traci Lords. Even though Traci’s gone respectable during the latter part of her film career, you know she’s been there and done that so many times, you feel you’ll never catch up.
The Lancer EX GT-A is a driver’s car. Its sportiness can only be appreciated by someone who’s into motor-sports big time, yet lesser drivers and three passengers can still appreciate the accoutrements the car provides.
The car’s sport-type seats wrap themselves around your body, providing plenty of lateral support during spirited driving. The soft, leather-wrapped steering wheel is a joy to hold and the 650-watt 9-speaker sound system is sure to rock your world.
The car’s 2.0 liter 16-valve DOHC MIVEC engine produces roughly 155 horsepower, while the paddle shifters allow you to change gears manually without taking your hands off the steering wheel. Its sleek lines and factory body kit shout “understated elegance” and “hot stuff” at the same time. Performance-wise, it’s as much of a tiger as Traci.
The money shot
So the question arises. What do I buy? It all boils down to your attitude and how much you’re willing to plunk down for a car. In simple terms, get what you want, need, and can actually afford. Whether it’s the Volvo XC60 D5, the KIA Rio or the Mitsubishi Lancer EX GT-A, you won’t go wrong with any of these babies. And as for Seka, Taylor Rain and Traci Lords, there’s always the internet.
HEADER PHOTO:
The Lancer EX GT-A is for the motor-sports lover.
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| KIA’s Rio was voted the 2007 Executive Sub-Compact Car of the Year by the Car Awards Group, Inc. |
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The Volvo XC60 D5 combines the elegance of a sedan and the ruggedness of a sport utility vehicle. |
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July Issue
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